Mike: My Odd Little Life

Contributed by Mike

Content Warning: This is a space for survivors to share their testimonies. Consequently, there are some graphic depictions of childhood sexual abuse and sexual violence.

I would imagine this is triggering to read please do not read if your in bad form.

So there was a boy. He was learning to ride a bike with his father, his father accidentally made contact with the boys backside when he was sitting on the bike. The boy thought oh your one of those and expected to be sexually abused not that he understood the term at the time. It is not right that a boy should think in this fashion.

When his grandmother died he felt all the good had gone out of the world, she was the balance to the evil which went on in his world. Not that he even understood that it was evil at the time. The boys earliest memory’s involve his grandfather visiting his room regularly to do evil acts. The boy has no memory of a time this did not occur in his young life, this was literally his norm. His grandfather had a conversation with his young grandson that he should not tell anyone about what was going on. The boy was to young to understand that it was wrong. To him it was just something that happened in everyday life. He just did not understand the conversation but he did what he was told and said nothing.

The boy gradually learned to hate the stench of the cigarette and his grandfathers laugh when he was finished, and utterly hated the way his grandfather griped him close in bed when he was done. The boy mostly kept to himself and did not feel he fitted in anywhere. He just felt outside of whatever group he was part of.

Thankfully the abuse stopped at about the age of 7 or 8. The boy remembers his grandfather visiting every Christmas to give money to his mother for xmas the boy thought it was hush money. The boy remembers staring with utter hatred at this man who called himself his grandfather. His grandfather just sat there and laughed.

The years went by and the boy became a teenager and the memories of the events of his youth simply disappeared into the past. The teenage boy kept to himself and had some unusual experiences during these years he was unsure off but he just kept on going did not think much of them.

The boy turned 16 his grandfather came back into his life. The teenager knew he hated this man but was not sure why. The teenager began working for this man gardening. Of course the man being what he was started touching the teenager inappropriately once again when gardening with him. The teenager was confused he could not believe the stuff that happened in his youth was real. He planked out and woke up standing at home outside his house. The teenager immediately repressed this memory and went back working the next day with his grandfather. I would imagine it is hard to understand why this would happen but the memory of any harm caused by the predator was simply not there so he was simply not seen as a threat.

Of course the next day the predator exposed himself and did something disgusting again. The teenager simply froze and could not respond. The teenager simply did not have the capacity to deal with the situation. For whatever reason his grandfather stopped when he saw the distress or possibly unresponsive reaction from the teenager. The teenager had a conversation with the predator. The predator apologised he said he was sick, the teenager simply responded that’s fine don’t worry about it. The teenager did not work for his grandfather again. His grandfather died when the teenager was 17 or so. The teenager carried his coffin down the church. The teenager hit his twenties and went to collage. He seemed to live in two worlds. In one he was all powerful he experienced this world as real as anything else he experienced but it mostly seemed to happen in his sleep. In his other world the one people consider real. He was brutally depressed kept to himself, avoided people as much as possible, and made odd appearance at college. This continued for 3 years, dispute his state of mind he got a diploma in construction studies. To this day he has no clue how. So he is now a young man finished college and gets a job. He is very angry at everything and depressed and has no clue why. So he continues to do what he always does keeps to himself and works away. People find him strange, he cannot come to terms with the opposite sex. He is lonely but can’t quite manage to fix it. The thought of being intimate with someone is just terrifying. This continues for years, he hears occasional voices and unusual experiences but thinks nothing

The teenager hit his twenties and went to collage. He seemed to live in two worlds. In one he was all powerful he experienced this world as real as anything else he experienced but it mostly seemed to happen in his sleep. In his other world the one people consider real. He was brutally depressed kept to himself, avoided people as much as possible, and made odd appearance at college. This continued for 3 years, dispute his state of mind he got a diploma in construction studies. To this day he has no clue how. So he is now a young man finished college and gets a job. He is very angry at everything and depressed and has no clue why. So he continues to do what he always does keeps to himself and works away. People find him strange, he cannot come to terms with the opposite sex. He is lonely but can’t quite manage to fix it. The thought of being intimate with someone is just terrifying. This continues for years, he hears occasional voices and unusual experiences but thinks nothing

He is very angry at everything and depressed and has no clue why. So he continues to do what he always does keeps to himself and works away. People find him strange, he cannot come to terms with the opposite sex. He is lonely but can’t quite manage to fix it. The thought of being intimate with someone is just terrifying. This continues for years, he hears occasional voices and unusual experiences but thinks nothing of them.

The man now turns thirty and the wheels come off. He is hearing voices and seeing and feeling things on his body he does not understand. The man is distressed but does not have the tools to deal with the issue. So he quits his job and retreated from the world. He has savings so lives on this for a while. He eventually gets kicked out of his rented accommodation, so moves back home the house he was sexually abused in. He rings an old work acquaintance to ask about strange memory’s he has and ends up getting a job?. So he starts working again in a rather unusual state of mind.

He jumps from job to job until fearing he is a danger to others (which he never was) reaches out for help to psychiatric unit. They ask him questions and give him antipsychotic meds and admit him to ward. He tries to explain the weird shit in his head, they react like he is a threat and treat him as such. He is sorry he annoyed them and just wants to leave. He very rapidly spirals to a very dark place. His family get him admitted to a private ward there is more help available but he has shutdown and just wants out and lies and says he is better and gets out. He has a dark few years of suicide attempts trips in and out of mental institutions. He seemed to continue on a dark spiral for while.

One day at 19+stone (from the bloody meds) sitting watching TV he thought there is more to life than this. He starts walking, and walking and he just keeps walking every day. He starts to lose the weight and takes up running , runs 3 marathons, And goes back working and stops trying to commit suicide. But with working again he most interact with people which he always really struggles to do. He buys a house with his sister . And is trying just like everyone else to make a living. He sees Ted Talks by Eleanor Longden his mind is totally blown he changes his perspective on how he interacts with the voices he hears.

So there was a boy he’s me now a 40 year old man who is only in the last while or so starting to come to understand the effects of CSA on his life. Keep up the good fight✊🏾

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *